LETTER TO THE FUTURE

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DEAR FUTURE

Hey
I hope you have been doing good. I am also fine and pressing on. I am not sure whether we have met but trust me I have been told about you since I was 2. They told me that you are like clay and I would mould you to any shape. That you were planned for me long before I was born.

Well, I don’t think we have had an encounter but when we do, you won’t have a choice but to compromise for me. I don’t deny to say I kinder fear your pangs. Those that I was told would bite me with venom. Are you this crude? That you would rather see me struggle than lead me to the path of happiness? Am I just your subject?

Since I became of age nothing else has really matters. Everyone pushing me to you. The air I breath keeps reminding me that we have a fate together. Tell me future, am I moulding you to the desired shape? Is it that I am just making my hands dirty with mud to receive a surprise from you? I was told that you are waiting for me at the end of the tunnel! Where a light glows, meant to sustain my unending hope. Tell me how long I have to walk to grab this light, just give me a clue of what I expect along the way. Are there monsters or giants? Are there forces of the darkness just before the deam light?

With me I carry a number of questions. The ones that only fall on deaf ears. Uncertainty all along. Maybe you carry a basket full of surprises and interestingly I am wasting time with a defined fate! Just maybe. Could you help me untangle the knot of confusion?? Just conspire for me

Yours
Wairimu N.

BROKEN PIECES. #untold-stories.

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FB_IMG_14685781049075257Why is it that life gets so hard in the end? I kept questioning my silly mind about this. In the midst of good things the worst had happened. I was seated at my house’s balcony reminiscing about the journey that never was. I remember the details of each moment as if it was just the other day.

“Hey, today you look really good,” he told me on an early Thursday morning. I didn’t realize that would be the beginning of my sad story. “Thank you,’ I replied back as courtesy deserves. He shook my hand and left with a group of his friends. I was in middle school and our classes for the day were through. Kring! Kring! That was my phone ringing.

“Hello, have you already left school?” Lessee asked from the other end of the line. I wasn’t sure of what he was really up to and…

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BROKEN PIECES. #untold-stories.

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Why is it that life gets so hard in the end? I kept questioning my silly mind about this. In the midst of good things the worst had happened. I was seated at my house’s balcony reminiscing about the journey that never was. I remember the details of each moment as if it was just the other day.

“Hey, today you look really good,” he told me on an early Thursday morning. I didn’t realize that would be the beginning of my sad story. “Thank you,’ I replied back as courtesy deserves. He shook my hand and left with a group of his friends. I was in middle school and our classes for the day were through. Kring! Kring! That was my phone ringing.

“Hello, have you already left school?” Lessee asked from the other end of the line. I wasn’t sure of what he was really up to and his sudden concern about me. I chose to play cool though.

“Yeah I am at home already,” I replied back quite calmly yet thoughtful.

“Can we have lunch together tomorrow at the school canteen?”

I didn’t have the right kind of answer to give but……

“Yes, we can. See you then,” I said that trying to pretend how off I was from the mood of our conversation. Well, the date at the school canteen didn’t send any signals. On that evening, I went home and locked myself in my room as usual. My parents were not around but my elder brother was. I had assignments I needed to complete as well as a movie to catch up with. Before I could jump to my crazy books, I received a text message;

Lessee- hey beautiful

Me- hey Lessee

Lessee- thanks for today

Me- welcome, it was my pleasure

Lessee- I think I like you, I mean I am falling for you

Me- how is that so, we are classmates remember?

Lessee- yeah, but I can’t ignore the feeling.

Me- what exactly do you feel?

Lessee- I can’t explain. I just like you

That was the flow of our very first chat. I was confused in a while failing to understand how this could have been. I hadn’t realized that being 18 was old enough for me to chew raw maize and make decisions of my own. I was never taught how to judge people but he was not a wrong kind of a guy. He had opened up to me and it was my responsibility to give him my feedback. The pangs of life would be wide open to swallow my opportunity if I throw it to waste, I thought to myself. I had never had a boyfriend before and I really wished that one day I would get one. Here was the chance yet I was so afraid to say yes.

To the woods I took him with me. Where I felt I would be so comfortable to confess that I was gradually developing deep feelings towards him. Holding both my hands together, I looked straight into his eyes. He was pleading for the comeback love he had for me. I felt the forlorn bestowed deep in the core of his heart. How couldn’t I admit I was feeling the same? Why was I playing hard to get yet my all was saturated with the venom from his veins? But no, I wouldn’t say yes! He looked at me half disappointed and half ‘not giving up attitude’. “Tell me you feel the same, that your heart wants me and your mind thinks of me,” he said. I couldn’t understand how he read my mind but he was quite correct. In fact very correct. Like those soap operatic movies, where the main character uses his knees to get the woman they love, he was down on his! I was shocked. I mean, was I alive or playing part in one of those movies? Well, I was neither in dreams nor acting in some TV show. The only thing I was was to be the main character of my own story.

“I am not sure of what I feel right now, just stand up and don’t ever do that again to me,” I said not sure if my words were suiting the situation. “You are not sure? I hope this one will make you be sure.” He said as he grabbed my hand and kissed my lips. I felt the connection between us. It was far much beyond the three day affair of Romeo and Juliet. It was deep and for that very first time I wanted to shout to the world how much I loved him. But, I wasn’t going to say that. No, it wasn’t yet time. I was running out of time and soon my parents would be calling to ask where the hell I had gone to. I felt like I had wasted a whole afternoon achieving nothing apart from episodes of my new book. Why was I finding it had to confirm my feelings? Why did I feel so in love yet I couldn’t profess? Well, maybe the second time will be the right time, I thought to myself. I looked at Lessee and signaled that I wanted to leave. He looked at me and feeling so wasted he left my hand and just said goodbye!

The sun was dazzling. The weather was calming. Everything on that Sunday morning was suiting my crazy plan. I prepared myself quit fast and hurriedly I rushed to Lessee’s house. He was still sleeping and I was the last person he ever wanted to meet. Am not sure whether my timing was wrong but who really cares? I knocked at the door with no answer, the second time there was a response. “What do you want?” there went the unexpected question. “I want you!” I answered looking at him. He led me into his room and went back to sleep. That was a little crazy. I checked his wardrobe and got him some clothes to put on. “Hey, wake up, you need to get ready am taking you for lunch,” well, did I really say that? He looked at me looking so shocked. As a cool kid he followed the simple instruction.

Back to the woods I took him. Where we played a game not played by many. Where my emotions were well written in the branch of each tree and the swaying of each stem drew the features of what we really had. A journey of two was well cultivated and protected even from the rays of the sun. For the first time we wished the moon would howl and the birds sing. I remember that last kiss yet the first easy touch in the wood. That left a whole of me paralyzed and only a part of my brain reasoning. I call it the day that will never be! We were now officially dating. I thought to myself as I walked towards our doorway. The following day I didn’t go to school. He didn’t text or call me either! Isn’t that a little weird? I questioned myself getting no appropriate answer to why he called not. I tried to reach him but his phone was out of reach. And then this happened….

 On the day that followed I went to his house. What I heard was beyond human understanding. “Lessee travelled abroad. He will call you when he settles.” I was shocked. My legs were shaking, my mind racing! What a saddening coincidence? He left me in pieces, which I couldn’t bind together. Being as old as I am, my inner person tries so hard to fight this reality. Where love lost its damn meaning and life, it’s just the version of the final piece!

SLAVE OF HER OWN FATE: Part A

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Growing up was this expensive achievement at my age. It mainly involved, Being huge, and having kids whom one could scold around and show off. At six and seven I wished nothing much than being tall like dad! I could try on his number 8 shoe which was barely half my feet. With my friends we played that game, “Kalongolongo” mimiking what our families were really like. I don’t know how they call it today but it was one game which when played at maturity would turn to pain! Well, I hope my young age was similar to most. Away from the acute memories of the early 21st century. I hadnt realised my desire was a responsibility. Maybe I was young and agglomerated by the fantasy of rich kids. At the beginning of this journey, everything was scraggy. I cursed most of the misfortunes without realising I would have much more life than that I already had. Well, through all this time I don’t remember being a child, I only recall being a lady whose mind was occupied by crazy ideas. How would I have known the law of attraction? Till it knocked at my door and hurriedly I opened to it… 
Then, this happened! I finished my junior school couple years later and here was high school. Only girls, away from home, New friends and disputable characters. This was a totally different world. Rhabdomancy for education wasn’t a call for everyone, only for my type! The rules were rhadamanthine yet the slapdash behaviours of my peers wanting. I wanted a life with everyone where everything suited me even phenomena! But before I could align the meticulously placed cravings, good thing in the midst of bad actually occurred….

BRING BACK HUMANITY

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Sleeping besides me was my sister and two younger brothers. I looked at them in a while wondering what life had in store for us. As usual, I woke up and made breakfast. Being the bread winner of our family, I had to go out and search for job. It was not always an easy task and I found myself sleeping with men I knew not just to provide. At my early age of 14 life had bruised my face making me look like an old woman.
For this particular day, things were not as they used to. The air did not smell as it always did, the atmosphere was tense. My sister Wambui woke up quite early than usual. She looked stressed which I did not like. Her face was pale and her mind racing with thoughts. I did not mind asking what had happened. The problems we had were already enough. Kamau my younger brother woke up next. ‘ Muthoni, I am feeling sick!’ He uttered with a weak voice.
I made him a cushion that did not work. In 2hrs time, his condition worsened. His fever shot and he started sweating proliferatly. Fast as I could, I carried him with me to our nearby public dispensary leaving behind my sister to look after the other one Njoroge. Pheux! The public doctors were on a national strike. The hospital’s were paralysed and services out of reach. Having a second thought, i ran to a chemist maybe  they would diagnose a curative drug, but alas! I did not have money to get the medicine. I pleaded with no ear to heed to.  My mind racing with mercy, I could hardly do more. Tears started to flow from my eyes. I was helpless.
With my brother at hand, I walked back home. How ruthless could the world be? I thought.
Before we could reach home, a cold touch I felt on his skin. I never wanted to believe the obvious. A 5year innocent child, full of life slept silently on my arms. His breadth gone, his heart pumping not! He was gone before nightfall! I carried him to our single, carton made house. On reaching, I found Wambui in tears. Njoroge was sitting at the corner of the bed. He seemed paralysed and in shock. “What has happened?” I asked in low tones trying to hide my side of the story. “They were here,” She bursted out in a deep cry, “They raped me.” My ears couldn’t believe what they hard.
My knees were shaking. Placing Kamau on the bed, I started cursing the universe. Memories of the past  filled  my mind. Seeing my father Kimondia murdered by his own friends. The memories of how my mother Wanjiku was burnt in his husband’s land. I remembered how my brother Kiguta was suddenly killed in a mob justice being confused for a thief. Was this the realm we wanted?? The land where peace is a guest word? A place where my my small brother died out of a world improvished by material possession? A nation where my sister was raped and bruised by cruel men? I wished to wake up to this dream which was not!…..

THE SON OF MY MOTHER!

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GIVE ME BACK MY AFRICAN BROTHER!

I wish I can stretch my arm enough to hold back time
I would rush back my steps to negatives to rescue you back to your realm
A place where you were born and natured to a real young man
When your presence was highly appreciated and equally respected
That at young age your boundaries were created
Do you recall those days?
When you actually were the head
Taught to give orders and be responsible
Protect your family your name and that of your family!
Those days when you were a pride of every family and prioritized before ME!

The son of my mother
Whose room was a distance away from OURS!
I miss the innocent you that father taught how to hunt
The one who flirted with his own suitors and waited till the right time for him to taste the sweet berry
You were too responsible and patient
Violence was not your cup of tea and tasting the waters of every lake was an abnorm!
Should we get back to when you married your first and second wife?
How ceremonial it was
That your wives became best friends

Remniscing on how hard you worked to bring food on the table,
You never lived on luck and gamble
Nor did you wait to put on a tie to make a living
Your African wear was so unique that the western had to come see you
You did not wear fashion in the name of civilization!
The good sacrifice you offered and burnt wholeheartedly
Lacking you never did

Today,
I see you and I miss the old you
Changed you have become
To your wives you demand submissivity yet responsibility you take not
In school they have pinned you down
Multiplied you to the root of one
Sportpesa have become the way to live on, leaving you lunguorous!!
Families improvished yet comfortable you claim to be
Where did our young African men go to?
Give me my African brother!!

MAPENZI YA SHEBA…

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A day didn’t go
Bila kuniita Nimo
Nikadhani life iko na mbio
Lakini ilikuwa it’s own season
Alafu kwa it’s own reason

Our comfidence was so strong
Our circumstances not wrong
Wakidhani niko unnatural
Kumbe it was so normal
Sio ati we ain’t human just that our deeds weren’t  so fathomable

Kwa  shule waliniita Nancy
Wakisema ati mi ni mfancy
Vile nilikuwa natembea waliniita tomboy
Didn’t know I was just an exception
Ati life yangu itakuwa so exemplary
So I lived a life nikijua kupenda maboy

I smile at my chamber
Kwa mapenzi ya Sheba
Ya Kunipeleka chemba
Hakusita kuniita mchumba
Alafu my swag ilikuwa better
Nikalearn kuvaa tu mini skirt na skaters
Vitu fitting nadungia na snikers
Night club tulikuwa the makers

Facebook sisi ndio the news
Ati love yetu imegrow too deep in a few
It’s not that sisi ndio perfect
Hawaelewi vile mi humvumilia
Akitoa viatu vile ziunuka
Nikimhag mi huhold breath longer
Lakini love yeye hunilisha
Pia Bahamas yeye hunipeleka….