MUSINGS…

Let’s say that it could be the nature of man is doing wrong. Or could be its targeting to do right in the wrong way. Well, it doesn’t matter whatsoever. Probably one day the sun will come out and we will actually know what it means to do right, wrong or otherwise. As I trodd through the path of life, I have learnt so much. Maybe my course is just a classroom with no teachers and a ruthless task set in front of me, it could be the playing first or a relative of the same. We ain’t perfect, but we try to look so.

With much literature and syllables put together, we can’t forget the meaning of true friendship when its all we got. When you wake up in the early morning with a sunshine kiss and a day full.of laughter. Maybe the person I meet often and talk to always is the one set for me. Am not sure whatsoever. So we learn to keep our lines defined. But hey, how do I  start talking of the savage I once got mad? How prone to goodness he is, I can tell. He has the eyes as waterly. His hairline just perfect not to mention the colour of his skin… and hey, did I tell you the voice from his vocals? Strong! My African savage!

It could be the jungle king and am the lioness! Wait, did I just say lioness? Mmmh, yeah lioness! The one who makes a dull day bright and a sad face smiley again. Maybe I don’t actually have the right words to say what he means to me but, a world could be an over and understatement! He is like those love stories in a fairy tale. His talks addictive and his thinking enticing! But, I don’t know do how long our forever could be held. Maybe it’s a pinch at the end of the ear, or a slap in a midnight sleep. Maybe what we think we need is a touch of a hens feather. But did you ever learn we could be the wolves and create our pack?

I don’t look beyond what we have. It’s already precious. I look just to see how good of memories we create. And if we don’t raise our bars for an always, I will be your all day shoulder and forever person. For whatever you are to a girl’s soul is purest yet treasured.

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Open Letter: Husband

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I don’t want to imagine that your bed lies your future to be X when all am doing is trying to think of you. Neither  do i want to believe you were hurt by your first and now you cant find the courage to trust again. Well, forgive my bad behaviour, how have you been? And how us everyone home? Down here we are fine just with the usual duties. Today I went down the river to wash my linen and I tripped my leg. Paining but Mama has used some herbs on me. I will be well. I am not sure from which end you come from, not the colour of your skin nor the language you speak. It doesn’t matter though so long as we find a home in our lonely selves.

If I crossed the road and smelt your scent I would know you were the one without so much struggle. Basically, we wouldn’t go far to find ourselves together and young and silly and in love again. In our wierd moments, I wouldn’t mind to tell you how much I love you in the simplest way I could. From the back corner of my bed, I will put your cute self there and watch you before Sun set and Sun rise. Much words to call you but none like the light in my darkest! I dont yet know what you like or dont like. Am not sure if you want to get disturbed or just hold on to your calm life…. the cup you sip from i haven’t seen nor the kind of liquid you put in it. Your sad story I have heard not. I haven’t seen the bruises of your past. But But have the confidence of zero blue and greyticks!

I wouldn’t mind if you are made of black or white, sweet or dry! What matters are the walls you climbed to reach the sealed heart. And your shoe size too:mrgreen:, the paste you use nor the cologne in your clothes, I will take you aside and one by one I will have known. Well, with so much happening and Nyakundi blowing the social media, I hope you are a man of intelliengece and personal directions. Tell me you will fight for us in our worst and that we will remain rescillience to the very end. Help me count the stars in the late night. Together we walk in the castles and remain served with kindness. The people we are deserve the best.

In our best, the enemies will rise like the white walkers. They will be the army of destruction. With our Dragon glasses we will send them to where they belong. We shall triumph in the end. Then the day I walk down the aisle, I want you to be in white with a shade of blue. I want to see you and see us in a thousand years. With my word, you won’t have to worry for the many days ahead of us. And you won’t have to be insecure of numbers when you will be the only one. In the hour of terror you will meet the Delight of the African sun. Where we will walk in and plough the lands. In the harvest of our sweet berry we will share. Take charge and conquer.

I am not sure how long it might take for us to meet but worth the wait. From my end I close my eyes and bend my knee for God to protect the unknown. Hope you will do the same.

Your loving Wife to Be..

COME BACK

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Charlie:

Hello, it’s me

I drove by all the places we used to hang out getting wasted

I thought about our last kiss how it felt the way you tasted

I wonder if we just need someone to feel we are okay

The last words too clear

I was a fool

The pickup fights and slamming doors

Magnified all our flaws

How late am I to say SORRY?

Charlotte:

Hello,

I was wondering if after all this years you would come to me,

I wanted to wake up with amnesia

Hoping that the day would come back and read the words I wrote you

The pictures we shared they still live in my phone

I loved to see them just before I let it go

 And then all I needed was a little love in my life

A little love in the dark

Hoping it could kick start me and my broken heart

But then, I could just go and love myself…

 

Charlie:

Baby you are unforgettable

The past is painful yet already written

Am sorry I walked away when what you wanted to hear was an endless story

And when I was gone,

You didn’t surrender thinking you could win in this thing they call love

Do you remember how we sang those Dion’s songs?

And how you looked at me with a glowing smile

Then you could clear your throat

‘ Hakuna anayejua kesho anayepanga ni Rabana ila ameificha ni confidencial,’

‘ Ukisali omba sana mkeo nisije kuwa kichekesho….’ You would stop

I am the coward of the county having seen you slip in the arms of another!

 

Charlotte:

Yes,

The past was sweet…

When you were willing to go and my heart was left in doubt

I never stopped to think of the forever that was saddened

I was crushed in pieces

Yes the heart wanted what it wants

The bed was getting cold and the future so unclear

And how could we forget the empty promises you made

‘If I had to live my life without you near me, the days would be empty’

What a lie to live on

And the morning alarms

Those from your girls, whom you giggled with, flattered…

Do you know how hard it was for me to think you would go out with someone and do all the things you did to me?

 

Charlie:

I was wrong

Longing for the days we had together

I was young and stupid

I wanted to taste venom from the other kind of python

None like you

And when I called, I was a dimming glow

A falling star to places I knew not

The wolves could howl just as the used to

We could count the stars as we did

Can we make this our wildest dream?

Babe I can’t escape, not from you, not again…

 

Charlotte:

I thought you were my love potion

My Mr. Romantic

The moonlight in the time of terror

And sun and stars in my darkest but

I was just a naive little girl with big dreams thinking of destiny with a mediocre

You took me to your battlefield and there..

You equaled me to zero…

Are you scared of being lonely?

Or do you need me just to feel you are alright?

Tell me, to what mercy am I left with?

To what glory do I carry?

I was intrigued by your style boy

But, ain’t sitting down for a re-run…

What’s done is done!

 

Charlie:

It will take time to believe you are done

Maybe forever to know how it all happened

You were heaven sent yet I took you for granted

Greener pastures awaits

But before then,

Let’s build a bridge from your side to mine

I will crossover!

0120HRS: MUSINGS OF THE UNTOLD (1)

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I watched people walked along the streets of Nairobi. With different dress codes, different walking styles, chatting. Their stories I wanted to listen to but I couldn’t have known much. Probably, the depth of our hearts is searched by the need to explode. Or, maybe our forever with eternity is just but fictional and very unreal. It could be that our lives are meant to be in a kind of sequence. Well, I grew knowing that I was the only Wairimu till I turned 9 and I met my other family and learnt I was made up of a flock of people defined by a name. Then I knew I was all grown up. At 6 I had fallen from the rooftop to the ground, flashing every memory I had. I didn’t die. I survived, by a whisker…
Time flies, and seasons change. The sun sets to the east and rises from the west. I waited and still wait for the turn of times. When the nights will be bright and the mornings will howl. I have a weird imagination of things that will probably never happen. A beautiful gown walking down the aisle, a fairy story with an interesting ending, honeymoon at the Al Arab, moments at the helipad, have a safe bank that could house both my family and that of my spouse, be with friends… Did I say friends? Yes, friends. Have fun. Live the moment. Well, it’s just an imagination but at senior high school I didn’t know what it meant to fall in love. It was a ‘fallacial’ influence. Basically, I am into deep stuff, roses, wolves, mountains and blue sky.
Pretty well, I knew how to treat ladies. I knew how to make cards for birthdays. Friendship. Success. I was creative for my age. I would walk into the supermarket and pick those crayons and drawing books. Then walk to class and clearly, sit my ass down for hours trying to do something that could look impressive. I was a value of time, friendship and positivity. Don’t ask how I managed to get myself into the engineering school. I personally have no clue. Well, the first year of campus was good. With sweet music echoing in my ears, trying to sing like Rihanna… hehehe… Having the thought of joining the school choir or doing a cover song. I was that kanaïve, innocent kaslay queen. I put on fine linen for Monday classes. On Tuesday I had the skaters accompanied by that pair of sneakers. Then on Wednesday my hiking short for the physics class. Pencil trousers for Thursday and party dresses for Fridays…  A day was lived by its own accord.
I don’t remember making neither breakfast nor my own meal for the season rather than the usual noddles at my friend’s hostel. I woke up to a set table and I came home to find the meal waiting for me to serve. It’s kinder not cool to say that I hadn’t been approached by any man of my specifications yet. I had the TDH syndrome with a new initial, TBDH… TALL BRIGHT DARK AND HANDSOME… So I was learning patience. I didn’t find the need though, but I wanted the experience, all I needed was a gang to turn out when the silly crew thought they were better than me. A hurricane of treasured people. Then before I could learn much, life happened. So I took my time. I wanted to learn a thing or two. Before I could find my way in the second floor, I knew how to say I LOVE YOU. I knew why it was important to say a good morning at the crack of dawn and a good night before closing the eyelid, a happy Halloween at midnight and happy New Year at the tick of time. Then how to wait till late for the call that could take hours. Maybe it was the Safaricom 10 pm offer trick…
I started cooking lunch and playing the proverb 21 woman. Walking home late night. Being around less. Home is where the heart belongs… Right? I was becoming the bad girl they could say… but hey, I was only in the new thingy… My imagination became great. I spent the day in knowing how to do things best. I completed my assignments because I had the reasons to. Weird, right? When he felt sick, I was strong. I walked in and lifted him up to the clinic all by myself. I wanted things to look far much better. Create that fantasy into the real world. He said we have a forever, I believed. I quoted Hazel in each and every chat. ‘You gave me a forever within the numbered days’ I said every moonlight. Then what followed was the story given by the strong women. Blue ticks, no calls! Cold nights, but the day was still bright, so it seemed! I still wished the wind could blow and the sun would come out tomorrow… I wanted him to sing me the ‘love potion’ but the song was all gone. A heartless treatment. A betrayal of trust!

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I don’t know who was selfish, neglected, inconsiderate, liar, secretive… but we were losing it. From his chambers, the queen of my life… and a note… she was mine, I was hers, to this end of time... The dream of the vow of a fictional movie was gone. I saw him not, only calls from a bunch of friends consoling the unfortunate soul. I wished for the woods where no one could count my tears… I wanted to drown to the depth where I couldn’t see nor taste my tears. Wanted the insanity. But insanity was the word of the weak. I brushed off from the cobwebs of my just concluded nightmare. I sat bold and stared at my disturbed self in front of the mirror. Sunken, bruised, disturbed, ugly self… was the one who stood in front of me. Within a day I was all weak and thinner than I ever was. I didn’t eat because my instinct told me I wasn’t hungry. Such a liar…
In the nights I would hold my pillow and soak them with unforgettable memories. Then I would hear from the background, ‘people are talking people are saying that you have been playing with my heart like a grand piano…’ sob more and slowly sleep hoping for amnesia… that’s the way it is. I wanted everything to sound like those Anne Marie songs. I could probably be much at peace. A dark day in each dawn. I never distinguished morning to evening, nor night and day. But, I am not sitting down for a re run, what’s done is done. So I learnt how to keep everything perfect; deal and heal the bruises with a pretentious smile. Then time, and amnesia…

The past is written, and the ink has dried… what’s left is a heartless soul..

LIFE @21; KARMA

Off the khalifa. Am sitted right on one of those restaurants under the Al- Arab enjoying the crabs and those legless things swimming. I don’t know what I want so far but I am sure the wait won’t be vain. Since I was a young girl, I waited for the Sun to set in the east and the mountains to be swayed by the wind but it simply seem unpossible. Well, probably I should just give up and get back on my feet and start the walk. So I am now back to the helipad… I want to see the world at an angle so I position myself more like a theodolite.
My eyes blinded, I relate to the perfume behind. The tenderness of the hands can’t be mistaken, its not like the eyes are the first touch😁. ‘Hey babe, I know its you..’ I chuckle. So the one from the wounds is with me. Trying to walk my walk and talk my talk. He looks at me and I recall the song we used to sing long before we met, the wedding song. Then our minds taken to the world of a better future, a fantasy. We will live on the top of a building, our house will have a pool, our bedroom will be big enough to house another family, the colour of our bed lights will be blue etc.. we are distracted.
From the other end, the song goes, 📯Baby I can’t stop thinking about you📯… he is taken by the words. I don’t understand the look on his face. So I just sit there staring silly. Unknowingly he takes me by the waist, i didnt know i was a good dancer hehe… we are dancing to the sound of every word. I close my eyes and I want to draw near, pull closer and go wild.. but, i don’t fancy his big nose and big lips, nor the colour of his tongue… Am playing safe, so I draw back and he pulls me to himself again. He kisses my lips but I can’t open them, disgusting😠. I want to walk back to my room and just sleep.
Well, in reality, the affection isn’t mutual. But how could I let go when I have the chance to visit Hawaii? So I hold on to live my age. Then one thing leads to another, ‘You don’t love me,’ he observes. I don’t know what to say. So I pamper him, but it doesn’t work either. He looks disappointed and very much wasted. So he says ‘Tell me the truth, you didn’t move your lips when I kissed, what’s wrong?’ Yes, i don’t love him. I love another. So I finally put it on paper, i give it to him *I LOVE ANOTHER*.. Before I can tell, he is gone. I call my other, and then ‘Naongea na nani, naomba nikumbushe’….

Life @21: Its much tough

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“What is tomorrow’s great announcement?”
I have known her since she was born probably earlier than that. And I knew she had a thing for every first day of each month. She had a thing with numbers. If she was a goddess she would be called the goddess of arithmetic. She did quick maths on three pages trying to prove a new way of performing😂. She raised her eyebrows and looked at me. Then held her phone tight, looked at it and smiled…. “Tomorrow I will love no more, I will cherish no more, I will be the evil, I will be the girl next door, I will be a value of my own dragon.”
I was a little in shock so I asked the second time, “Tomorrow is a big day, what is the biggest announcement?” And she looked straight on my eyes and said, “Tomorrow, the moon will howl, the dark will cry and the mountains twig… the eggs in my systems will jump and then they will scream.. for we will grow together with the essence of value.” I kept silent to hear her speak. “I have not seen a 21, but I feel it was a sum of the influence. I listened to people talk of how they made decisions, how they failed and learnt and I wanted the norm. I sat at the wild places and watched the wall sweat. I was I was right but the universe had a way to teach me how wrong I was.
The late night sleeps, the calls I waited for. It hasn’t been any easy road. Days I have counted to the 5 hundreds and over 99 tens. Let me say, I haven’t lost the battle of rescillience but in within, is the weakness to move on. Through the pieces I wrote in the moment of terror of how pain scattered a dream, a fairy tale. I wanted the universe at one point and then the entire world. I want the sweet songs of celline to cascade each chamber of my entrails but it was just a fantasy of an African girl. I looked at myself in one point and thought of death. I wanted to hear what they would say. How close they held our small infinity. Their feedback left me in aww! ‘She lived, she loved, she rests’ only an intelligent mind could think this so fast.
I will miss the moments of pain. I will wish for the city to tremble and this moments to come back. When the night comes and the moon shines, I will look at it and send my gratitude to the men who stood by me. I will say to them, A time has come and the blood of my blood has lost it. From this moment on, you will call me by name and look at me with far less pity. For she, she will be no more a narrative but the hurricane of roses’. So when the night is at the midst, I will surrender the desires of my heart.”
I looked at her in despair. Torn in between letting the flow or holding it a little longer. I wanted to hold the stars and the moon and reverse the clock for the wasted days she had led. I was the rightful gene for her.  I wanted to show her how beautiful life could get. But she didn’t seem ready for either. A woman who sets her mind to foster her own messes can’t be stopped.

Times have changed and cultures have been altered. I try not to think of life in those old times. Those times when life was already a planned deal to any being. The times when Wambui would be married to a man as old as her father. Those days when wives were treated equally and husbands with supreme respect. They could be termed as the tough terms. Well, if I had a wish, I could still find myself in the 21st century. I mean, how could i survive balancing a clay-pot of water on my head and walking numerous miles? How could I stand being treated like an auxiliary being? Maybe I am a proud being or maybe it was just as fun as it is today.

Mmmh, away from quite a lot of history. I am married to one kind of man. He has a big belly, they call it one pack but I call it my effort, his looks are deceiving, his sound vigorous- one which will keep you entertained. We haven’t been married for long, actually, it’s only an year. I can’t actually tell why we are in this marriage. I want to always believe I was charmed by his looks. It could be I wanted to write a book with an attractive cover page of his smile or probably I was trying to win my friends over by having an awesome man by my side who we could pose for selfies with and post them on social media. Don’t take me wrong, if you are a girl and have been in love, there is always that thing that keeps you clinged to your man! Same to me.

Since our honeymoon I have not been doing much. I have concentrated so much on ensuring that our marriage is a success. Am actually playing the role of the submissive wife! He comes home, I serve him! I submit. What more could i do to someone who meets every need you need? I mean, I don’t have to go through his pockets to scoop some leftover coins for credit, he knows his responsibility. Ooh! I didn’t tell you I am 7 months pregnant and still kicking. I have learnt to handle my moods so well that you would confuse my situation.

Our house is not big so I don’t actually have issues when cleaning. Throughout the journey, a lot has happened. We have had fights and good times. Like any normal couple we have said tough words to each other. But hey, we are a positive mind. Despite this, something is tilting. The tone is changing and the treatment is no more as it was. Is my tummy making me a different monster? I start questioning myself. Now it’s more often. Well, I have heard people talk of changing, I never understood what this means until it’s now dawning on me.
‘ Babe we need to get things ready for the new baby’ I said
Its almost a minute now and I am still waiting for the reply. He is sitted at the corner of our living room holding the remote and laughing hysterically. There is this feeling of tension.
‘ Babe, are you okay? Nini mbaya?’ I have to ask. But he only nodds. I give up.

I walk to my room. Within no time he is making calls talking for hours. I can’t get the actual words but for sure it’s an interesting conversation. Am not the woman who is so easy to making decisions. So I don’t judge. It becomes a habit and today, it’s just so much worse. He comes with a young and fresh girl. Am so stupid to think she is a colleague  at work. I wait for the introduction only to be introduced as a sister. Well, am I actually getting this right??? I walk to my room only to be called to serve the so called ‘friend’ as he introduced her. Am not dummy, at Least I know she ain’t just a friend, she could be so much more than that.

I want this baby out, I want to hold her by myself and I want a divorce. I am afraid they won’t give me custody of this baby though. Life is too cruel at times.

LETTER TO MY LOVELY DAUGHTER.

Apparently am the only one who ain’t fixed with the atmosphere at hand. Or the current meme ‘constitution’. What I can only think about is you. It’s so difficult for me to take any breathe without a thought of you crossing my mind. Everything I do, I do it because I want you to be a happy child. Not that you won’t lack but at Least I will fight to see you through the needs. I have not grown with all my prioroties but I would love to make everything different for us. Maybe even walk on the moon and back in that one piece.

Well, I don’t know the colour of your skin not the shape of your eyes for I am yet to find your dad. That doesn’t matter an inch so long as you will be straight from my flesh. When you open your eyes the first day I will be there to lead them to the beautiful things under the sun. I will let you hold my hands to the very end. Darling, the world is a cruel place, but I will do all it takes to show you how to make it a better place. To me you will remain that small girl. We will visit the lands of the north walk to the Disney, surf at Hawai because all this you will have deserved.

In my search, I will get you not just a fatherly figure but a loving dad. the one who will show you how to use the towel when I will be away. I will get you a confidant who will be a model on the decisions in the arrival of time. When you cry, I will be there to wipe the tears. If a new dawn arrived and you felt a little peculiar, know I will be there to unfold the misery. When you are of age, I will let you decide on the paths to follow. This is power passed over the generations to you and to many more.

You will become my partner in all crimes. Teach You how to cook and all the chores subjected to women. I will let you fall in love. What am not sure is whether I will stand to see you get hurt. I don’t intend to say it wil always end up in heartbreaks, if it ends up good, I will show you how to submit. Sweetie, you mean the world to me even when I can’t touch you. You are a project I started at conception! And if love will find a way in us, then we will give away to each other. Like the wolves I will imprint on you that no man will harm you.

Until I hold you on my arms, till I feel the tenderness of your hands and the sweet smell of you linen, you remain my first project that requires no thesis!

I love you!

HURICANE….

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Probably we will be a reflection of the mirror or maybe i am building castles in the air. it doesn’t matter whatsoever as long as i tried winning you. My name anonymous, yours i know not. Probably i think of a forever so much that i can hardly notice you. Or maybe my writings are too deep that you never smell the connection between us. Well, i couldn’t be the worst but i love myself enough to know the kind i want. Maybe i get too choosy but what could be worse than being next to someone whose fate doesn’t seem to match with mine?

I sip through the cup of coffee, once and then again. I walk to my washroom where i take this cold shower. I want to smell good, i apply my new perfume and sit on the coach trying to watch one of those fiction movies. then the songs, and then i want you beside me. Its just crazy how we want things that probably we don’t need. Or how moody we grow that we only need them because we think its time! I can see you in almost all my dreams. you are born to a reckless world where you have surpassed all the odds.

Maybe i should talk of you before i meet you in my next dream, maybe i want to read through to see you every time i want to. You are an understand kind of influence. One who judges the past not. i saw you with your soon to be X. Having fun and a good time. You laugh so gently, you make her giggle! Your teeth, unique. Not because of how well they are arranged but how snow-like they look. The way you talk and walk. One word cant define. Your masculine chest and those huge arms. Exactly the shape of me!

Maybe i haven’t learnt your flaws from one or two of my dreams. But, from my end i can judge your sense. In you responsibility imprinted. A sense of humor inculcated. I don’t know how good you are at what you do but for sure, you can always be the best. Maybe you are looking for me just that you haven’t met me! Tea is what you are served even at the pubs. You know not of liquor. For you are a soul bound in the righteousness of humanity. Ooh, how couldn’t i have written of your age? You look more of your age. Probably much older that i thought but not so old not to be in love.

Through your eyes, i can see how hard she hurt you. How deep she cut through your veins. but don’t be so blind as not to see what is in front of you. It could be the only thing to ignite your dimming light. We may push each other to the wall but true be told, the walls will never crack leave alone falling apart. At the extremes of our struggles we will find each other. At the exhaustion of our emotions we will hold on the good times. i will wait for you till dawn when you will walk out of my dreams to my arms. That day when you will take me by you to the end of arctic, to places where no keys could open, to the satisfaction that we have long waited for. Kiss under the moon and hold on to the world of fallen stars!

Its too silent in here,the song is over. my dreams anthology making me feel desperate… I need to draw my mind back normalcy! Boring nights, background noise! The clock ticks so loud tonight. its late. I walk to my bed to warm my sheets! Nothing tastes better. I want a new dawn!!

SPOKEN

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Niko stuck in this moment
Vile nikikuona Mimi hukuwa speechless yani thoughtless
Your perfume inaniachanga breathless
Nikiwalk past wewe nafeel so wierd na mcareless
Sijui kaa am the first ama your first alikushow
Vile you are cute in the night
Your voice, so huge and brave
Maybe nakujudge but I love your swag

Vitu I see in the dark
Mambo nimepitia from the past
This feeling of the present
Inafanya nikue chizi
Yani sina riziki bila kuskia Sauti yako
Vile mimi niukaa nikingoja hata u bip
Ama angalau kaplease call me
Nadhani niko sane ama maybe you are my sanity
Hii feel ni real

Niambie unafeel  the same
Ama uko na pending issues ni hold on
Niambie vitu nataka kuskia
Nidanganye lakini usiniumize
Wewe ni mtrue
Vitu we hufanya Eisten na Bernoulli hawezi elewa
Vitu  wewe hubring together hata Fourier hukam slow
Your ride iko fine kuliko bullet proof glass
Yaani design ya your extension fits the socket fully
Nikizima in my dreams wewe ndio kusema
Nikiboeka fantasy zetu zinafanya nicheke  kaa fala
Mabeshte wako close kutaka kujua what keeps us together
That our dramas ziko limited na love iko endless
We ain’t the best lakini in you nilipata excellence

Kuchi Kuchi bae…